I had never heard of Simona Halep until five minutes ago. This is largely because I'm not a homosexual, as everyone who follows tennis is. But I do know about nature and what happens when you interfere with it.Now, before everybody gets all uptight, you should know that I'm not talking about abortion. Abortion is the exception that proves the rule. I love abortion. I love it so damn much. There's nothing quite as sad as seeing the love in the eyes of a child and knowing that you could have surgically snuffed it out while it was still legal.
No, I'm talking about big, wonderful titties. They are what nature is all about. I don't care if you abort your kids, and I'll applaud as you cave in the skull of a baby seal. But if you fuck with your knockers in a way that doesn't make them bigger, then you're going to have to deal with me.
And that's why I want Simona Halep charged with crimes against humanity.
TENNIS babe Simona Halep is to undergo surgery - to shrink her 34DD
bouncers.The 17-year-old claims they are a disadvantage and has vowed to
have a reduction later this year.
She declared: "The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play.
"It's the weight that troubles me - my ability to react quickly."
Fans of the 5ft 5in Romanian - ranked 317th in the world and hoping to
play at Wimbledon - last night flocked to sign an online petition: Save Simona
Halep Boobs.
5'5" and 34DD? She might be 317th with the rest of the world, but she's number one with me! I have something in common with Miss Halep though - her breasts make me uncomfortable, too. It's like my pants just got three sizes too small.
But she's insisting on making Kendra Wilkinson cry. Just look at her weeping. Does Simona have no human emotion at all?Since I have the smartest readers on the Internet, I needn't remind you who hated big, fat titties. Okay, maybe I do. It was Hitler. Hitler and Simona Halep. If she's not stopped, she going to go all Mengele on her fantastic funbags. I'm assuming that none of you supported Josef Mengele and you shouldn't support Simona. They're equally evil.
Of course, she's going to have to be stopped. If that involves declaring war on Romania, so be it. Seriously, fuck North Korea! This is important!
Before you all go to bed tonight, I want each of you to think about what you're doing to stop Simona from making the worst decision of my life.
By the way, what have you fucking people done for me lately?
ULTRA-IMPORTANT UPDATE: If, like everyone with a functioning penis, you want to save Simona Halep's boobs, go here. This is the message you'll find;
To: Romanian Goverment
People! Save this Wonder of the World! Don't let
Simona Halep cut of
her titties!
http://www.totalprosports.com/blog/index.php/2009/04/simona-halep-is-a-busty-17-year-old-tennis-star/
Don't let her do it!
Браћо! Сестре!
Сачувајмо ове сисе!
http://www.mtsmondo.com/entertainment/vesti/text.php?vest=135752
Не дајмо глупачи да их офикари!
Sincerely,
The
Undersigned
Isn't that change we can all believe in?
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