Project Terrible: Blood Surf

What doesn't eat you alive, doesn't kill you.  Today's film is certainly not good.  However, it is one that I saw part of before on the Sci-Fi Channel (pre-name change).  Thankfully, that desensitized me to a lot of the movie.  Here's what you need to know: killer crocodile, surfers, model and Quint rip-off.  Yes, despite the title being a reference to something done to attract sharks, this movie is actually about a killer crocodile.  Sure, why not?!?  The movie combines many of the cliche characters that we have come to expect in a film like this too.  We have 'love-struck model,' 'dumb surfer,' 'oddly deep surfer,' 'money-grubbing boyfriend,' 'powerless authority figure,' 'horny native,' 'grizzled captain' and 'slut girlfriend.'  This movie is just so daring as it 'surfs' into 'uncharted waters,' huh?  Wear your useless, chainmail suit as we enter the...

Our heroes go to East Asia to film a documentary on a sport called 'Blood Surfing,' in which you throw blood in the water and surf near the sharks that are drawn in.  The effects for this are, well, pretty lame.  Isn't that right, shark from Jaws 3-D?

One of the surfers manages to hook up with the hot daughter of the guy taking them out to the island.  Better have fun, because her and her parents are abruptly killed in the next scene.  No deaths for thirty minutes and then three in about the next five?  Weird pacing!

Our heroes run afoul of some pirates, who try to kidnap them and rape the model.  Fortunately or unfortunately, the crocodile shows up, defies the laws of Physics and kills some of them.  Why would you lean towards the flying crocodile exactly?

The Quint character finally returns and explains that he wants to kill the crocodile because it killed his passengers years ago on a boat trip.  In a weird flip, the guy's girlfriend bitches at the producer boyfriend for trying to make a story out of it...and then asks him to convince the boyfriend to let them catch it on film.  This leads to some more Jaws rip-off scenes and some dubious bit of model work (circa John Carl Beuchler).

In an odd scene, the producer boyfriend tries to get away more quickly and runs right into the crocodile's mouth (a la Shark Attack 3, which would come two years later).  The girlfriend makes a snappy retort about his death, which is extremely harsh.  Was a he a jerk?  Yes.  Were you a couple 4 hours ago?  Yes.  You're cold, bitch!

For the finale, the remaining heroes run from the creature and manage to hide for a bit.  They nearly kill it with some rocks, but it won't stay dead.  In the End, the remaining pair 'Tarzan swing' across a chasm, causing a tiny model of the crocodile...I mean, the giant beast to get impaled and die.  The End.

What a croc of shit!  The plot of this movie is a bit stupid and lazy.  The pacing is all over the place as well, building up for over thirty minutes before any real action.  The characters are cliche (see the intro paragraph) and you don't feel for them.  Throw in the harsh character turn for the lead actress in the End and you've got characters who you don't care about.  The 'tragic' deaths include the dumb surfer who tries to stab a forty-foot crocodile with a knife, the girlfriend kicking the crocodile's corpse and 'Quint' getting eaten while trying to blow up the boat.  The film mixes in humor at really weird times as well, like showing 'Quint' hanging with his lower torso missing and the girlfriend's 'retort' after her boyfriend's death.  The fact is this: the movie takes place over three days.  Our heroine flies to the island with her producer boyfriend, but dumps him on Day 2 and is hooking up with the oddly-smart surfer by the End.  That's quite the bereavement period, bitch!  The effects here are pretty piss-poor, alternating between lame CG models, super-tight close-ups of animatronic heads and very-obvious model shots.  If you like dumb, monster movies, you can have some fun here.  It's not truly Terrible, but it's not good either.  Take us away, misguided close-up shot...

Next up, a stodgy, 'haunted house' film mixed with the 'marooned on an island' film.  The real dilemma- figuring out what is going on!  Stay tuned...